One of my first experiences when leaving prison was of rejection. It was painful, upsetting, and made me question whether I had a future beyond the wire. When I shared this with my probation officer, he was furious with the organisation and the individual involved. He fought for me and helped me to believe there was still hope. Yet, the experience left its mark. A part of me believed what the man had said, that there was no coming back from what I had done, that I was undeserving of help and humanity.
These thoughts of self-doubt, the weight of an undeserving spirit, and the ungodly chains they placed upon me left me crippled. I developed social anxiety, reverted to living in survival mode, and had an ever-present sense of impending doom. I couldn’t even wait at a bus stop without feeling exposed and like I had to keep moving or something terrible would happen. I knew it was completely irrational but that didn’t make it any less real for me.
My work coach at the Job Centre agreed that I needed to focus on getting myself into a good place before committing to employment. This gave me the time and space to develop an identity of my own and start to deal with the emotional baggage I had been carrying.
When I spoke with my mentor at the Armed Forces’ Christian Union (AFCU) about this, I was worried about what they would think of me and the thought of stepping out from behind the walls I had built terrified me, but I did. I was offered prayer ministry, and the result was amazing. I acknowledged my own vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and insecurities and was shown a level of compassion and love that was alien to me. They showed me the love that God has for me and, with the support of healing ministry, I began to do more than just survive, I started to live.
I set out to find a church, where I could grow in faith and fellowship. Surprisingly, this was something that I missed from my time in prison and, while I knew it would require agreement from all parties, I was unprepared for the flood of rejections that were returned. It still physically hurts to try and reconcile who I believe myself to be in Christ with the knowledge that I am unfit to be part of a church. Despite this, I have found peace knowing Jesus, been able to continue my studies with Emmaus Bible School, and find fellowship with the AFCU.
I know I would not be where I am now without the support of so many wonderful people. Those who fought for me when I lacked strength, those who loved me when I couldn’t love myself, and those who helped keep me grounded in faith. With their support, I am confident that God has a plan for me, and I can find the courage to pursue it.
*Photo credit: https://www.pexels.com/@ann-h-45017